Relocation


This is my response to the Friday Fictioneers prompt for August 1. The challenge is to write a 100-word story inspired by the photo prompt. Play along by writing your own, reading others and/or commenting on the flashes we fictioneers create. My piece this week weighs in at 99 words.

Author’s Note: Although I work to make sure my loosely connected flashes stand alone, I’m not 100% certain that this one is a completely stand-alone piece. However, as it fits the photo prompt perfectly and is an important turning point in my Lauren Shrecklich saga, I am serving it here anyway. I’ve linked to other stories throughout so any new readers can catch up on the tale if you find holes in this flash or simply want more background information.

View from the Plane

Copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Relocation

Lauren Shrecklich did not need to fall in love—not on New Year’s Eve, not with an airline attendant, and not in front of senior agent Michael Morales. But Cheri was the kind of woman that always made her look twice.

Throughout the flight, Lauren distracted herself with her rosary each time the attendant passed by. While pouring complimentary champagne for the two agents, Cheri noticed the rosary and showed Lauren her charm bracelet. “St. Christopher. I feel safer having him around.”

While waiting for their luggage at the baggage claim, Michael asked Lauren, “Did you get her number?”

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28 thoughts on “Relocation

  1. Very well as stand alone and also as intrigue.

  2. storydivamg says:

    Thanks for the affirmation, Dawn. I’ve been running these through my “panel” of personal editors, but they are all “up on the story,” making them less reliable than fresher readers. 🙂

    Cheers!
    MG

  3. elmowrites says:

    I think it stands alone in the sense that I got what was going on without following the link, but not in the sense of being a story in itself. his feels more like a scene from something longer. But it is, so that’s OK, this I an observation not a criticism.
    I like the details you squeezed in, and the hard-boiled feel of especially the first paragraph.
    The last paragraph feels a bit awkward, possibly because the attribution precedes the speech, or possibly the speech feels a bit out of the blue. Something like this might read more smoothly (I used your extra word for it though!): While waiting for their luggage at the baggage claim, Michael elbowed Lauren. “So, did you get her number?”

    • storydivamg says:

      Thanks for the careful read and feedback, Jennifer. I struggled with that last line and like your suggestion. I also don’t like that I’ve begun the last 2 sentences of this story with the word “while,” but I didn’t notice that until just as I was posting the story. Rewrites for the book whenever it gets published, I suppose.

      Glad you think it stands alone in some sense. I promise I’ll deliver more fully told stories in the future. This one just triggered me for a project I needed to complete, so . . . Well, you know how that can happen.

      Thanks again!

      Cheers!

      Marie Gail

      • elmowrites says:

        Darn straight, writing should always be for yourself first, so if it takes you to a place in your existing story, I say go with it. Like I said, observation not criticism.

  4. I agree with elmowrites. Write for yourself first – edit later. This stands-alone very well. And DANG don’t you hate it when you realize a simple error right when you’re posting something?

    • storydivamg says:

      Well, I wish it had been something a little more simple than an issue that might require a rewrite, but yes, I do hate that. 🙂

      Thanks for reading!

      Cheers!
      MG

  5. Horus says:

    I liked how it ended 😀

  6. Sandra says:

    I agree about the attribution in the last para. It’s still a persuasively layered piece though. Enjoyed it.

  7. dmmacilroy says:

    Dear MG,

    That story, a lovely and delightful tale, stands perfectly erect alone. Don’t worry. Wonderful nuance and flavor throughout.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • storydivamg says:

      Thanks for the fresh perspective, Doug. I seldom use this venue as a “workshop” although it often sees earlier versions of my work than a publisher might. This week, however, is proving to be very valuable–especially when I get compliments from writers such as yourself.

      All my best,
      Marie Gail (AKA Margarita Girl–but only on Fridays)

  8. Dear Marie Gail,

    This story definitely stands alone. Could Michael and Lauren be competitors?

    BTW did you know that Schrecklach is the Yiddish word for beast?

    Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    • storydivamg says:

      Dear Rochelle,
      I didn’t know anything about close Yiddish versions of the name, although it doesn’t surprise me. The name Schrecklich was chosen for a multitude of reasons, including search engine optimization. (I dare you to Google “Lauren Schrecklick.”) In German, the word means “terrifying” or “terrible.” There is a long family back story for Lauren that she hasn’t yet learned. Her father, of Germanic descent, was in the Jesuit novitiate before he met her mother, and the family name was changed from “Schreck,” which is German for “monster,” to “Schrecklich” at some point due to their power in fighting the undead. It alludes to the fear they strike in the hearts of the vampires. And . . . now I have whole lot more to write.

      Thanks so much for commenting.

      Peace,
      Marie Gail

  9. Marie Gail, I agree that this story stands well alone. Well written, and I hope the book does well when published. Well done. 🙂 —Susan

    • storydivamg says:

      Thanks, Susan. I have a lot to write before this book is complete, but I’m getting hooks in the water early. I find it easier to complete a project when I have specific time limits and goals to meet.

      Cheers!
      MG

  10. Anita says:

    Marie, Nice to read this story with a twist! They both are enamored by the pretty flight-attendant & need her number 🙂 Cheri must be so charming!
    Yes, this is a stand-alone story. I didn’t need any additional info. But, would love to know what happens next 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by at my Blog!

    • storydivamg says:

      Thanks, Anita! It’s great to be interacting with you here. There’s a lot to this story, and I’m so glad to get the confirmation from you and others that it works by itself. The project I’m working is a series of connected flash fictions, some 100 words in length, others as long as 1,000 words. I’m hoping that each single story will really be able to stand alone, but after about 7 tales, its becoming more difficult to assess that on my own. (Which makes people like you VERY important to me right now.)

      All my best,
      Marie Gail

  11. Oh I have not read the other part, but yo me it worked well as stand-alone anyway… Well written

  12. Nice piece you have here! Complete and cool ending! 🙂

  13. Nan Falkner says:

    Dear Marie Gail – I think your story is perfect and complete! Good story and upbeat! Nan 🙂

  14. Sarah Ann says:

    Now how did that distraction activity (fiddling with her rosary) become a turn-on? Beautifully done. I hope they did swap numbers.

  15. Interesting story. For me, it does work as a stand alone but that’s maybe because I like filling in the blanks.

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